[Poem] This Is A Clothespin

This Is A Clothespin

Lucas Scheelk

This is a clothespin

Of the slight pinch of a finger

To focus on that discomfort in public

To not focus on my anxiety in public

To keep my hands in my pockets in public

To give my hands something to feel in my pocket in public

To keep my hands in my pocket in public while giving my hands something to feel in my pocket in public

To avoid stimming outside of my pocket in public

To avoid the looks of my hands in public

To avoid the question, “Are you autistic?” in public

To avoid the answer, “Yes and I can’t breathe” in public

To avoid being rude but I’m autistic and I have anxiety and asthma and my lungs can only take so much so I do not want confrontation I do not want to talk talking is exhausting and I value my lungs more than that and I value my lungs more than you I literally need my lungs to breathe being in public is not a safe space for me

This is a clothespin

Of internalization so deep I can tell you in detail each psychological wound I carry except for the multitudes of memories I’ve repressed I can’t remember most of my childhood and part of me does not want to

This is a clothespin

Of internalization so deep that for the repressed memories I cannot tell you about I can show you my burns instead and maybe let you touch them

This is a clothespin

Of internalization so deep that it is the new naked

This is a clothespin

Of years being told how much progress I’m making in normalized classrooms

This is a clothespin

Of early 1990s diagnoses and early 1990s understanding of autism

This is a clothespin

Of years being told that I don’t look autistic

This is a clothespin

Of autistic people comprise more than just straight white cis guys

This is a clothespin

Of stereotypes like robotic and alien and machine and lifeless and loveless and hopeless

This is a clothespin

Of puzzle pieces telling me that I’m broken and need to be fixed

This is a clothespin

Of only seeing neurotypical parents talk about autism during my childhood and never talking about the despair I felt because in between the news stories and the search for a cure silence was all I could manage

This is a clothespin

Of being compared to someone’s autistic sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s neighbor’s step child either as inspiration for what they would want that child to grow up into or as a disappointment when they find out I won’t deal with their bullshit

This is a clothespin

Of Autism Speaks speaking over us

This is a clothespin

Of Autism Speaks doesn’t speak for me

This is a clothespin

Of yes I was originally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome but I am autistic excla-fucking-mation point

This is a clothespin

Of my functioning level is none of your business

This is a clothespin

Of I hate passing as neurotypical so much I feel like I’m failing myself

This is a clothespin

Of I hate passing as neurotypical so much I feel like I’m failing myself but if I don’t disclose that I’m autistic at a job interview I have more of a chance of being hired

This is a clothespin

Of living in a country where people value the petition of building a Death Star more than autistic people being able to get organ transplants

This is a clothespin

Of doctors and therapists not taking me seriously if I do disclose that I’m autistic

This is a clothespin

Of how in February 2013, one could type, “autistic people should” into Google search and words like “Die,” “be killed,” “be exterminated,” and “shouldn’t have children” would be the first to try to fill in the blank

This is a clothespin

Of how in February 2015, measles spread in the United States because people against vaccinations still believe the lie that vaccines cause autism

This is a clothespin

Of how in February 2020, Autism Speaks appropriated the neurodiversity symbol

This is a clothespin

Of how in February 2021, anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers are one and the same

This is a clothespin

Of how the public fears of more people like me so much they’ll sacrifice everyone

This is a clothespin

Of I will never be your mercy kill

This is a clothespin

Of are you still surprised by what I’m telling you?

This is a clothespin

Of the slight pinch of a finger

To focus on that discomfort in public

To not focus on my anxiety in public

To keep my hands in my pockets in public

To give my hands something to feel in my pocket in public

To keep my hands in my pocket in public while giving my hands something to feel in my pocket in public

To imagine stimming outside of my pocket in public

To imagine the looks of my hands in public

To imagine the question, “Are you autistic?” in public

To imagine the answer, “Yes I am” in public

To imagine being rude yes I’m autistic and I have anxiety and asthma and my lungs can only take so much you do not want confrontation I do not want to talk I value my lungs more than you being in public is not a safe space for me because of YOU

"I didn't become part of the autistic community (that focused on advocacy) until around 2012 when I was attending the University of Minnesota. The #actuallyautistic tag on tumblr was a pivotal introduction for autistic self-advocacy for me. One of my first pieces that incorporates that is 'This Is A Clothespin,' a poem from my first chapbook* (of the same name). It's since been one of the many pieces I've written about ableism and navigating space as an autistic person.

At the time, I kept a clothespin in a jacket pocket and I used it as a grounding item (grounding items are also featured in the poem, 'A Prayer For A Non-Religious Autistic'). The pinch from the clothespin would bring me back from dissociation.

I crafted the poem while I was recovering from top surgery in March 2013. I had the perfect idea to type a 4-page poem while I wore a medical binder with blood bombs attached, and was constipated for 3 days. Make of this message what you will."